Let Go of the Blame

I’ll come straight out and say it: You did nothing to get CRPS. I have found that people want to place blame on us, or we want to blame ourselves for getting CRPS. My CRPS started with a trip down a 3-inch stair that I didn’t see. I twisted my ankle and five-years after needed surgery to repair torn ligaments because it would roll under and I would fall. The pain never ended and only got worse over time. Bottom line, I got CRPS from a sprained ankle.

I blamed myself for getting CRPS for a long time. Why? Because I am a Christian. Now, hear what I’m saying. I will explain. I fell at a Halloween party, which I shouldn’t have gone to in the first place. I don’t celebrate Halloween. I was invited by some of my employees and as their manager I shouldn’t have gone with them. Two strikes: A Halloween party and hanging out with subordinates off hours. Add to that: I was dressed as an angel. Strike three?

We entered the party through a dark maze and at the end of the maze was that small step. We poured out of the maze laughing and I tripped. When I went down, I heard a crack and thought I broke my ankle. Before I got up, I said, “Can someone take me to the nearest ER?” Long story short, they called me a fallen angel for the next month as I hobbled around on crutches. (God has a sense of humor.)

Back to being a Christian. There can be harsh judgment along with religiousness in the mainstream Christian church. Twenty-five years ago, I was one of those judgmental, mainstream Christians. So, I judged myself after I fell. I had put myself in a position of allowing the enemy of God to attack me and he did. I made poor decisions and the consequences led ultimately to this horrific disease.

For years, I carried that blame and shame, not to mention the guilt.

You may not like this next part. Today I see the experience as one that I had to go through in order to become the person I am today. Today I know that CRPS is part of my life story. At that time in my life, I was going through a nasty divorce and I was going to make bad decisions. You may think I’m rationalizing the scenario to fit my beliefs. Maybe I am. But it doesn’t matter. Again, I would not be who I am today without getting CRPS.

So, was it my fault? Did I position myself to fall? Probably. Again, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve forgiven myself and I’ve let it go. I’ve found compassion for myself. I’ve found love for myself. And compassion and love are the most amazing pain killers.

With love & compassion,

Jana

P.S.: Let it go. Forgive yourself and others involved. Find compassion and love no matter how hard it may be. There is hope, I promise you.

You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.

Psalm 139:16, The Passion Translation