I’m not going to share with you all the details of my life regarding Disability benefits. Just know that I’m still in the process and it’s stressful. The big questions is, “Are they going to deny me again?”
I’m sure many of you have gone through this or are going through this experience. It’s extremely frustrating because I know people who are receiving Disability and they are not as sick as I am. I pray the judge understands CRPS and the plethora of other diseases and disorders I have been diagnosed with in the past few years. I hope he gets that I can’t function like I did in the past.
I’m a different person now — one without a career, without the ability to ride my horse, ride a bike, play golf, or walk for more than 5 minutes at a time. Shoot, I can’t even drive very far without almost falling down afterward because of the POTS. My head gets so foggy I can hardly do a decent blog post these days. I have to have my groceries delivered or have someone go for me. I need a ride to church because it’s sort of far away. I often have to go and lie down in the car waiting for the service to be over so a friend can take me home. I fall or almost fall every day. I have PNES episodes all day long. My live-in friend does the dishes and cleans the house. I try to help and end-up in too much pain to continue. Without her I don’t know what I’d do.
And I’m very unreliable these days. I have to cancel plans all the time because I don’t feel well enough to go. Well, you get the idea. I’m venting, thanks for listening.
So, as I wait for the hearing I’m praying. That’s all I can do.
I never thought I’d wear Crocs. Before being diagnosed with CRPS I loved shoes, especially boots. I loved boots because I used to ride my horse and my motorcycle. I lived for riding, going fast, splitting the sky with hair blowing around my face. Now, I wear Crocs. I get a rare horseback ride walking slowly while wearing boots three sizes too big. No more motorcycle. No more wind blowing through my hair. Just Crocs.
Today is just one of those days with CRPS that everything hurts, and I just need to rest. I’ve been laying down distracting myself by watching some funny videos — I do that when I need to laugh. With CRPS we have to laugh. We have to try to experience the good in our circumstances. CRPS hasn’t been dubbed the “suicide disease” for nothing. It can get very depressing when we are in tons of pain. It’s depressing because our future seems bleak if that’s what we choose to focus on.
But I am alive, and I can still smile. CRPS won’t get the best of me, not today. Thanks to every person who puts funny videos online. They get me through days like these.
I like to do prophetic art during our worship time at church — sometimes dodging flags and dancers.
First I pray, asking Holy Spirit what He wants me to draw and I get into my Bible and read. I always begin to see part of an image, colors and shapes but I don’t get the whole picture until I begin to draw. The picture emerges so-to-speak and becomes something I may not even understand. Every quick drawing that I do speaks to someone, which is a blessing to me.
I have a friend who recently dealt with kidney stones and was in tremendous pain. She kept saying to me, “I don’t know how you deal with pain like this every day, and yours is worse.” My answer, “A lot of drugs and my DRG Implant.”
I felt bad for her but was also very grateful that she began to understand what we go through with CRPS. Plus, I was diagnosed with stage two kidney disease (from taking pain medications), so I know a bit about kidney pain. My friend had to take pain medication all day for nearly a month in order to function and spent a lot of time in bed. She was exhausted from the pain and couldn’t understand why. I knew. It takes so much energy for our bodies to cope with the pain that we get worn out.
It takes so much energy for me just to take a shower that I have a hard time functioning afterward. The warm water irritates my CRPS foot. It often feels like the water is stabbing me with every drop. Trying to do other things poorly affects me too, like cleaning the house. When I get inspired to clean, I get completely fried, suffer all night long, and have to take extra medication. I definitely can’t shower and clean in the same day.
My friend having kidney stones reminded me that we go through so much with CRPS. We are tired and that’s okay. We are limited and that’s okay too. We don’t have to feel guilty for not cleaning the house or showering every day. It’s okay. We can do what we can do. We can educate the people around us about how much CRPS affects us. And we can pray they never get kidney stones or have to go through what we are going through.
The CRPS price is high but we still have our minds—for the most part. We can still choose a good attitude, have some humor, and encourage others that pain won’t win. We are some of the strongest people on the planet. We can get through this with a smile and hope that our future can get better. Medical advancements are coming, like the DRG Implant. We will not just survive, but we will thrive and maybe even take more showers.
Do you ever forget your meds? I do, and oh, my goodness, the pain. I don’t have a caregiver to remind me, and my alarms aren’t doing it for me when I’m not feeling well or didn’t get enough sleep the night before. What about you?
It’s been a while, but I had fun making this guy. I’ll do some finishing touches and wait several months before firing him. Let’s pray he doesn’t bust open in the kiln. I’m still learning…. What should I call him?
“Life motivation comes from the deep longings of the heart, and the passion to see them fulfilled urges you onward.”
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