Finding Ourselves in the Flames
CRPS is a monster. The pain is like nothing else. It steals our joy and seeks to steal our life. And in many ways it succeeds. It changes us. It forces us to face our weakness and our strength. It forces us to draw on everything we are, were and will be in order to survive each day. It forces us to change our passions, our perceptions and our expectations.
CRPS is more than just pain. It takes who we once were and twists who we will be. It warps our world into one of fear and loss. And the only way out is medication, spinal cord stimulators, shots, physical and emotional therapy, distractions, heating pads and any other form of pain management we can try.
CRPS turns us into desperate shells incapable of living life how we imagined it would be. It teaches us desperation. It forces us to face pain and suffering. It challenges us to live one day at a time, one minute of every hour. It demands we find hope and strength from the deepest part of our being. And when we can find joy and hope in the pain, we can survive and thrive.
We must acknowledge the challenges ahead as opportunities to gain mental and emotional strength. We must embrace the pain and understand that it makes us some of the strongest people in the world. When we find hope we can overcome the flames and we become nothing short of being superheroes.
Capable of so much more,
P.S.: Flame on.
How do I pick myself up again?
I’ve done it so many times. I’ve pushed through the barriers in my life one-after-another since I was very young. That’s why my body has broken down with CRPS, POTS and PNES. I’ve pushed through pain and suffering, but I feel like I’m stuck now. I feel like it’s time to push again. I don’t even know what that means to be honest. I’m just emotionally spent. Being ill is not fun.
I used to be able to pick myself up when I fall. Any time something bad happened to me, I looked it in the face and walked right through it. I had no choice. I’ve been raising my children. My older kids want to see me go back to work part-time. Part of me wants to scream out, “You don’t know what I go through every day.” The other part of me needs income.
So, I’ll pray. I’m just so afraid of the pain, of not being a dependable employee, of falling down on the job—literally. I’m not the person I used to be, but I’m not going to let these diseases steal my life either.
Sincerely from the floor,
P.S.: Any suggestions?
Distraction is a key component of my life with pain. It helps me with pain management, and it helps psychologically to keep me from focusing on the dis-ease of CRPS, POTS and PNES symptoms. I’m alone a lot of the time as well, so distraction becomes a pretty good friend.
One of the things I do is make art, and I love to sculpt the human figure. I just finished a couple of pieces that I plan to design and sculpt tiaras and crowns for. I plan to finish about five of them for an Expo early next year.
My conceptual framework for the pieces is that we are all precious treasures. We are a royal priesthood of princes, princesses, kings, and queens as children of God (Check out Revelations for more about our eternal future as Christians born again.)
Regardless of the religious aspect of the work, I want to show people that we are important as humans on earth. We each have a kingdom, or our sphere of influence, that we rule and reign for. We lead others, whether we are aware of it or not. People watch people and learn from them.
It’s time we “own” our position as royalty with love and care for others. It’s time to teach people how we want to be treated. And to live a more effectual life that fulfills our calling and purpose.
Okay, you got me preaching… I’ll stop and just say that it’s great to find a passion for something that also distracts me from the pain.
Have a low pain day,
P.S.: Fill your time doing something enjoyable. Do it for you.
Hiding in Plain Sight
I said I was going to be raw for this Blog. So, here it is….
I saw my neurologist yesterday and his news was honest and disconcerting. I must have more tests to see if my seizure episodes are epileptic or not. The “or not” is that I may have yet another condition called Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES).
And there it is. I thought this might be the case. What does it mean? It means my seizures are real, but they originate from a combination of psychological conditions. Some known causes include anxiety, dissociation disorders, post-traumatic stress, etc.—basically, forms of severe and chronic mental stress.
Ironically, I’m can wrap my head around this one.
You see, I’ve had a secret and here it is… I have been blaming my current illnesses on my body, or at times on God when the reality is that I know I haven’t dealt with a lot of trauma in my life. I have pretended that everything is okay and that I’m past all the emotional pain. I have pushed on in a highly functional way at the cost of my physical health. I have known that psychological brokenness internalized continues to manifest as dis-ease in my body.
There it is. My secret.
I seem to have it all together, but I don’t—seriously.
CRPS may even be another symptom of internalizing trauma. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that today begins a sober journey of psychological healing I wanted to avoid.
Incognito no more,
P.S.: I think I’ll start with one hour at a time, rather than one day.
Things Do Get Better
It was a rough day and I was starting to feel hopeless about my future with CRPS, POTS, and Fibromyalgia. But my friend dragged me to a worship service, and everything changed. I could barely stay and was in a lot of pain when I got honest about my feelings and spent a short amount of time praising God for all He has given me, and my attitude changed.
Lots of Love—One Day at a Time,
P.S.: Check out a full list of my Podcasts on Castbox.com
Have you ever felt this way?
I wrote this a few months ago and it still has a ring of truth that I can’t deny….
My body is failing. All my suffering is my body’s fault.
Can I say that it’s not my body’s fault?
I have blamed you. You have failed me, and you keep failing me.
The body reflects what’s in our mind, right? How can that be so? If I was born without a leg, would I blame my mind or body?
Do I blame God?
I do. Deep down I’m sure I do. How do I get over this and live with joy? How do I find peace?
With faith, my dear, with faith.
Take it one day at a time,
P.S.: I want my miracle… any day now would work for me. Invisible Disabilities and Illnesses are real and they are crazy-hard to live with. ♥