I said I was going to be raw for this Blog. So, here it is….
I saw my neurologist yesterday and his news was honest and disconcerting. I must have more tests to see if my seizure episodes are epileptic or not. The “or not” is that I may have yet another condition called Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES).
And there it is. I thought this might be the case. What does it mean? It means my seizures are real, but they originate from a combination of psychological conditions. Some known causes include anxiety, dissociation disorders, post-traumatic stress, etc.—basically, forms of severe and chronic mental stress.
Ironically, I’m can wrap my head around this one.
You see, I’ve had a secret and here it is… I have been blaming my current illnesses on my body, or at times on God when the reality is that I know I haven’t dealt with a lot of trauma in my life. I have pretended that everything is okay and that I’m past all the emotional pain. I have pushed on in a highly functional way at the cost of my physical health. I have known that psychological brokenness internalized continues to manifest as dis-ease in my body.
There it is. My secret.
I seem to have it all together, but I don’t—seriously.
CRPS may even be another symptom of internalizing trauma. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that today begins a sober journey of psychological healing I wanted to avoid.
Incognito no more,
P.S.: I think I’ll start with one hour at a time, rather than one day.
It was a rough day and I was starting to feel hopeless about my future with CRPS, POTS, and Fibromyalgia. But my friend dragged me to a worship service, and everything changed. I could barely stay and was in a lot of pain when I got honest about my feelings and spent a short amount of time praising God for all He has given me, and my attitude changed.
Lots of Love—One Day at a Time,
P.S.: Check out a full list of my Podcasts on Castbox.com
So, I was calm, cool and collected for my disability hearing a couple weeks ago (Okay, maybe not.) and one of the judge’s first questions was about my horse. I lost it. I started tearing up immediately. It was so hard to talk about.
I miss him so much.
He was abandoned at the ranch where I had horses before, and the owner let us take him over. My husband is so great. He works there for the board and feed on the weekends, so he gets to see Remi and ride him. And he keeps up on the stable drama for me (Not that drama is stable….).
I miss the smell of the ranch and Remi’s neck. I miss the dirty boots and long, sweaty rides in the foothills with some good friends. Heck, I don’t even mind the flies much this time of year.
I think I’ll have my husband take me to see him soon. I can’t wait.
One day at a time,
P.S.: I’ll take some pictures!
P.S.S.: Listen to how I’m doing without my horse in my life daily:
Episode 7: I Miss My Horse
Not being able to ride or see my horse in way too long has really affected me emotionally. Riding was my favorite outlet for stress and without it, I’m struggling. My horse’s name is Remington and he is amazing. He is the best of all my past horses rolled into one. I hope to be able to see him again soon.
Available on CastBox & this Blog. Soon, you’ll find me on iTunes, Stichter, Google Play, etc.
I’m so excited to say that you can now listen to my CRPS Inside Out Podcasts here. I’ll be uploading them either on their own or with corresponding Blog Posts.
Here are links to the Episodes I have so far:
E1 Errands & Expectations
Sometimes the things we take for granted are things we miss the most where CRPS is involved. In this episode, I talk about an embarrassing fall and how much I loved running errands. There’s always hope when dealing with challenging situations—it’s just a matter of finding it.
E2 Bad News & Creativity
Everyone gets bad news, but the good news is that everyone is creative. We are all capable of using creativity to pull ourselves out of bad moods from bad news. CRPS can either destroy us or make us the strongest people in the world. I choose strength.
E3 Raw Emotions & Handling it All
A lot is happening all at once and my emotions are pretty raw. The beauty is that my emotions don’t define who I am. They are merely a tool to use in life. They are a measurement. They are a bridge to action and reaction that is healthy and godly. And they are going to help me deal with my life tomorrow.
E4 A New Beginning
Dreaming again is what I’m looking forward to the most in this new season of my life. I want to get back to a place where living one day at a time still has hope for the future. I use creativity and my sanctified imagination to co-create with Jesus and you can too.
E5 Creativity & Pain
The Creative Spirit flows like an impregnated wind of love and passion. We have access to this Spirit from God. No matter what creative outlet, no matter what perspective you are coming from, you have access to the Creative Spirit. That is if you are human.
I never knew there was such a thing as being housebound until I got iller in the past several years. I’ve learned a lot about myself, my family and my friends. I’ve learned that I need community. I need to engage with others on very personal levels which keeps me safe and sane.
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I didn’t know “housebound” was a thing before being ill. And let me just say, it sucks.
I’m no longer able to drive let alone go anywhere alone.
Did I mention it sucks?
Okay, enough negativity!
I’ve had to find ways of getting out of the house to be alone and enjoy some of the things I love. I just need some “me time” outside of my home occasionally. I used to go for a drive in my car or on my motorcycle, I’d go ride my horse, hit some balls at the driving range, hike or go for a walk.
I must remember that I had the opportunity to do all those things when I think about how I’ve lost them—for now. I got to feel the wind in my hair. I got to enjoy nature. I got to experience the smell of jasmine, french fries, and honey buns as I rode my bike going mach-ten down the freeway coming home from work. I got to gallop, lose my hat and win while racing my husband up the mountain trails.
Today, I get to ride my electric wheelchair around the neighborhood, go to local stores and just breathe. I love it. I love to get out of the house, be outside and experience the changing seasons. I love to say good morning to people and run into other wheelers to chat about the day. I’m appreciating the people in my community more than ever before. The truth is that I need them.
I need the connections I am making online and around town. And if you told me I would feel this way five years ago I would have laughed.