I like to do prophetic art during our worship time at church — sometimes dodging flags and dancers.
First I pray, asking Holy Spirit what He wants me to draw and I get into my Bible and read. I always begin to see part of an image, colors and shapes but I don’t get the whole picture until I begin to draw. The picture emerges so-to-speak and becomes something I may not even understand. Every quick drawing that I do speaks to someone, which is a blessing to me.
I am burdened and broken by this pain. When your miracle rescue comes to me, it will lift me to the highest place.
Psalm 69:29, The Passion Translation
I’ll come straight out and say it: You did nothing to get CRPS. I have found that people want to place blame on us, or we want to blame ourselves for getting CRPS. My CRPS started with a trip down a 3-inch stair that I didn’t see. I twisted my ankle and five-years after needed surgery to repair torn ligaments because it would roll under and I would fall. The pain never ended and only got worse over time. Bottom line, I got CRPS from a sprained ankle.
I blamed myself for getting CRPS for a long time. Why? Because I am a Christian. Now, hear what I’m saying. I will explain. I fell at a Halloween party, which I shouldn’t have gone to in the first place. I don’t celebrate Halloween. I was invited by some of my employees and as their manager I shouldn’t have gone with them. Two strikes: A Halloween party and hanging out with subordinates off hours. Add to that: I was dressed as an angel. Strike three?
We entered the party through a dark maze and at the end of the maze was that small step. We poured out of the maze laughing and I tripped. When I went down, I heard a crack and thought I broke my ankle. Before I got up, I said, “Can someone take me to the nearest ER?” Long story short, they called me a fallen angel for the next month as I hobbled around on crutches. (God has a sense of humor.)
Back to being a Christian. There can be harsh judgment along with religiousness in the mainstream Christian church. Twenty-five years ago, I was one of those judgmental, mainstream Christians. So, I judged myself after I fell. I had put myself in a position of allowing the enemy of God to attack me and he did. I made poor decisions and the consequences led ultimately to this horrific disease.
For years, I carried that blame and shame, not to mention the guilt.
You may not like this next part. Today I see the experience as one that I had to go through in order to become the person I am today. Today I know that CRPS is part of my life story. At that time in my life, I was going through a nasty divorce and I was going to make bad decisions. You may think I’m rationalizing the scenario to fit my beliefs. Maybe I am. But it doesn’t matter. Again, I would not be who I am today without getting CRPS.
So, was it my fault? Did I position myself to fall? Probably. Again, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve forgiven myself and I’ve let it go. I’ve found compassion for myself. I’ve found love for myself. And compassion and love are the most amazing pain killers.
With love & compassion,
Jana
P.S.: Let it go. Forgive yourself and others involved. Find compassion and love no matter how hard it may be. There is hope, I promise you.
You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.
Psalm 139:16, The Passion Translation
I’m really suffering this year and we haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet. I’m having family over for Thanksgiving and Christmas and CRPS has already taken a toll on me. We are cleaning and preparing, and my feet are just about killing me. CRPS makes being thankful difficult.
I always try to stay positive. There are even times (when I’m not in horrific pain) I can say that I’m thankful for having CRPS, because it has made me a better, stronger person. I know that without the CRPS my life would have been very different. I would have sailed through my career, doing things I wanted to do, and I would not have slowed down enough to hear from God on the subject. I would have been working my own plan out for my life, rather than God’s plan for my life. That’s a fact, I have no doubt.
So, it’s been better for me to have the CRPS from that perspective. I still suffer greatly though and really have to take to heart what the Bible says about suffering and pain in order to keep going. The Bible says that if we are to suffer, we do it for Christ sake.
For God has graciously given you the privilege not only to believe in Christ, but also to suffer for him.
— Philippians 1:29, The Passion Translation
…and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.
Being thankful for CRPS is hard, but it’s possible. I encourage you to see CRPS as a force that has made you a better person. Can you?
Just thinking,
Jana
P.S.: It’s taken me years to get to this point of gratitude for CRPS. Many years.
I have a problem. I have too many labels and want to bring them out into the open. Well, I’m saying them in order to conquer them, if that makes sense. I’m not doing this for pity’s sake. I’m processing the place I’m at in my life right now.
Many people think that labels cause more harm than good. I find them helpful to better understand what it is that I’m fighting to cure. Especially, with the “incurable” illnesses or disorders. I’ll be happy to let go of every label when symptoms cease to persist.
So, I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) and Fibromyalgia all over the past six years. I can no longer work or do much of anything but sit at my computer for a bit, lie down, and occasionally get out of the house.
It’s a seriously stressful drag. To add fuel to the fire (CRPS joke), I find out soon if I have Type 2 Diabetes with complications, and a few days ago I found out I have Hypertension, Liver Disease and Stage 2 Kidney Disease.
And adding to those the recently confirmed Clinical Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and I’m a mess.
That’s 11 labels of illnesses and disorders. Really!?
Labels are difficult for me. I don’t want to “own” any of these things. I also don’t want the stigma in my life. I don’t want to speak these curses into my life. I don’t want to give them any more power, yet I contend with symptoms daily.
This battle is logically resolved by believing what the Bible says about healing as a child of God.
As I have been traveling down this narrowing road, I seem to have lost some of my faith and belief. I believe that others can be healed whole-heartedly, but when it comes to myself, I’m struggling.
I must move the faith and belief it takes to be healed from my head and into my heart—into the here-and-now. What this really means is that I have an opportunity to go deeper with God. So, I’ll continue to pray, I’ll listen to some worship music, I’ll listen to some solid pastors, and I’ll spend time with God. And one day soon, I’ll be free.
If you are struggling with illnesses and disorders and can relate, let me know. There’s no way I’m alone in this.
All messed up,
Jana
P.S.: Transparency takes vulnerability and courage. So, I’ve just jump off a cliff here and we’ll see where I land.
CRPS has stolen my identity. I never imagined that CRPS, POTS, PNES, DID, et al. could change me so much—and not in a good way. I have become paralyzed in the pain. I hardly leave the house because I’m afraid I’ll have a seizure and/or fall down. I’m afraid of the pain that comes after walking the entire grocery store. I’m afraid to go walking around my neighborhood or going to the ranch to see my horse. I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be, and my children want their Mom back. I want me back.
I used to command the fear in my life. I pushed through and tenaciously succeeded at everything I tried. Today, the fear commands me and I have no drive. I am not myself.
So, what’s next? I’ve been told by two people I trust in the past week that I need to stop worrying about it all and just live.
Just live.
Father God in Heaven, You are my Rock and my Light. You work with me through life and You carry me when I’m weak. I feel I’ve lost my self, Lord. It’s hard to believe that I’m in this place of fear and paralysis. Forgive me, Lord for allowing myself to get to this place of dying, not living.
Take my hand, Lord God and guide along this narrow, righteous path before me. Sing me songs of love that I may care and love myself through this crazy time. Papa, I want me back. Obviously, I will never be the same, but I know I will be stronger physically, emotionally and mentally. And I know from experience You will finish the job You started with me. I know I’m just in process of something wonderful. A birthing of a new me, a new creation, filled with Your Holy Spirit and love.
Thank You, Jesus for walking me through this process. Thank You, for teaching me to just live. Amen.
I know I can do this,
Jana
P.S: I feel like I’m at my rock bottom. It’s been years since I’ve ventured back here, and the only place to go is up. Whew!
CRPS has stolen my identity. I never imagined that CRPS, POTS, PNES, DID, et al. could change me so much—and not in a good way.
I’ve done it so many times. I’ve pushed through the barriers in my life one-after-another since I was very young. That’s why my body has broken down with CRPS, POTS and PNES. I’ve pushed through pain and suffering, but I feel like I’m stuck now. I feel like it’s time to push again. I don’t even know what that means to be honest. I’m just emotionally spent. Being ill is not fun.
I used to be able to pick myself up when I fall. Any time something bad happened to me, I looked it in the face and walked right through it. I had no choice. I’ve been raising my children. My older kids want to see me go back to work part-time. Part of me wants to scream out, “You don’t know what I go through every day.” The other part of me needs income.
So, I’ll pray. I’m just so afraid of the pain, of not being a dependable employee, of falling down on the job—literally. I’m not the person I used to be, but I’m not going to let these diseases steal my life either.
Sincerely from the floor,
Jana
P.S.: Any suggestions?
Distraction is a key component of my life with pain. It helps me with pain management, and it helps psychologically to keep me from focusing on the dis-ease of CRPS, POTS and PNES symptoms. I’m alone a lot of the time as well, so distraction becomes a pretty good friend.
One of the things I do is make art, and I love to sculpt the human figure. I just finished a couple of pieces that I plan to design and sculpt tiaras and crowns for. I plan to finish about five of them for an Expo early next year.
My conceptual framework for the pieces is that we are all precious treasures. We are a royal priesthood of princes, princesses, kings, and queens as children of God (Check out Revelations for more about our eternal future as Christians born again.)
Regardless of the religious aspect of the work, I want to show people that we are important as humans on earth. We each have a kingdom, or our sphere of influence, that we rule and reign for. We lead others, whether we are aware of it or not. People watch people and learn from them.
It’s time we “own” our position as royalty with love and care for others. It’s time to teach people how we want to be treated. And to live a more effectual life that fulfills our calling and purpose.
Okay, you got me preaching… I’ll stop and just say that it’s great to find a passion for something that also distracts me from the pain.
Have a low pain day,
Jana
P.S.: Fill your time doing something enjoyable. Do it for you.
CRPS Inside Out 
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