Identity Theft with Podcast

My Life…

Not Myself Anymore

CRPS has stolen my identity. I never imagined that CRPS, POTS, PNES, DID, et al. could change me so much—and not in a good way. I have become paralyzed in the pain. I hardly leave the house because I’m afraid I’ll have a seizure and/or fall down. I’m afraid of the pain that comes after walking the entire grocery store. I’m afraid to go walking around my neighborhood or going to the ranch to see my horse. I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be, and my children want their Mom back. I want me back.

I used to command the fear in my life. I pushed through and tenaciously succeeded at everything I tried. Today, the fear commands me and I have no drive. I am not myself.

So, what’s next? I’ve been told by two people I trust in the past week that I need to stop worrying about it all and just live.

Just live.

I’m going to pray:

Father God in Heaven, You are my Rock and my Light. You work with me through life and You carry me when I’m weak. I feel I’ve lost my self, Lord. It’s hard to believe that I’m in this place of fear and paralysis. Forgive me, Lord for allowing myself to get to this place of dying, not living.

Take my hand, Lord God and guide along this narrow, righteous path before me. Sing me songs of love that I may care and love myself through this crazy time. Papa, I want me back. Obviously, I will never be the same, but I know I will be stronger physically, emotionally and mentally. And I know from experience You will finish the job You started with me. I know I’m just in process of something wonderful. A birthing of a new me, a new creation, filled with Your Holy Spirit and love.

Thank You, Jesus for walking me through this process. Thank You, for teaching me to just live. Amen.

I know I can do this,

Jana

P.S: I feel like I’m at my rock bottom. It’s been years since I’ve ventured back here, and the only place to go is up. Whew!


Identity Theft, Episode 13

CRPS has stolen my identity. I never imagined that CRPS, POTS, PNES, DID, et al. could change me so much—and not in a good way.

Emotional Podcast

Distraction, Episode 12
Feeling sad about not podcasting in a while… Plus, I’ve been a mess emotionally. The diagnosis of PNES has really thrown me for a loop because it’s psychologically driven. PNES is a physical manifestation of past trauma from childhood. So, I’ve been working to resolve stress in my life and get on-board with some therapy. Easier said than done.

I’m Stuck

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

How do I pick myself up again?

I’ve done it so many times. I’ve pushed through the barriers in my life one-after-another since I was very young. That’s why my body has broken down with CRPS, POTS and PNES. I’ve pushed through pain and suffering, but I feel like I’m stuck now. I feel like it’s time to push again. I don’t even know what that means to be honest. I’m just emotionally spent. Being ill is not fun.

I used to be able to pick myself up when I fall. Any time something bad happened to me, I looked it in the face and walked right through it. I had no choice. I’ve been raising my children. My older kids want to see me go back to work part-time. Part of me wants to scream out, “You don’t know what I go through every day.” The other part of me needs income.

So, I’ll pray. I’m just so afraid of the pain, of not being a dependable employee, of falling down on the job—literally. I’m not the person I used to be, but I’m not going to let these diseases steal my life either.

Sincerely from the floor,

Jana

P.S.: Any suggestions?

Filling Time

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My distractions lately… Here are some recent sculptures drying. I’m still not sure how I will finish them after they are fired in the kiln. They will have crowns on their heads.

Finding Distractions

Distraction is a key component of my life with pain. It helps me with pain management, and it helps psychologically to keep me from focusing on the dis-ease of CRPS, POTS and PNES symptoms. I’m alone a lot of the time as well, so distraction becomes a pretty good friend.

One of the things I do is make art, and I love to sculpt the human figure. I just finished a couple of pieces that I plan to design and sculpt tiaras and crowns for. I plan to finish about five of them for an Expo early next year.

My conceptual framework for the pieces is that we are all precious treasures. We are a royal priesthood of princes, princesses, kings, and queens as children of God (Check out Revelations for more about our eternal future as Christians born again.)

Regardless of the religious aspect of the work, I want to show people that we are important as humans on earth. We each have a kingdom, or our sphere of influence, that we rule and reign for. We lead others, whether we are aware of it or not. People watch people and learn from them.

It’s time we “own” our position as royalty with love and care for others. It’s time to teach people how we want to be treated. And to live a more effectual life that fulfills our calling and purpose.

Okay, you got me preaching… I’ll stop and just say that it’s great to find a passion for something that also distracts me from the pain.

Have a low pain day,

Jana

P.S.: Fill your time doing something enjoyable. Do it for you.

Landing on My Knees

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Photo by Ruben Hutabarat on Unsplash

I fell again today and as I was getting up, I ended up on my knees. I figured that since I was there, I could pray. First, I asked for forgiveness for not getting on my knees in the first place.

Later, friends came over and I was blessed to give one my starter violin. Within an hour, through chatting with my new aunt (New, because she found me last year looking for her adopted brother, who as it turns out is my long-lost father.) she is giving me her violin that she no longer uses.

How’s that for reaping what we sow?

Now, I am encouraged to sow healing. Meaning, I can take better care of myself, love myself more, engage in what’s good for me, and be grateful along the way.

In all humility,

Jana

P.S.: Think good thoughts.

Falling

Music Lifts Me Up

I fall down a lot. A few times a week. I get light-headed and my muscles disappear from under me. I hit my head hard last week and ended up in the ER again. A few days later, I lost sight in both eyes for a couple of minutes (usually it’s just one eye). I was alone so I just laid there awhile. It was scary.

I don’t want to be sick anymore. I’m tired of falling and feeling wobbly. It sucks to lose sight in my eyes even though it’s temporary. Today I fell and I couldn’t get up, again. My muscles wouldn’t recover quickly enough, so I got to see how badly my hallway baseboards need to be cleaned.

CRPS is no joke, especially in the Summer. Add POTS to it and, well it sucks even more. Tests show my heart is fine, which is good news. I have a Tilt-Table test soon and an inpatient EEG to look further into the falling. In the meantime, I wait.

I wait. I write. I practice my violin and I pray.

May health be with you,

Jana

P.S.: And may you have low pain days.

 

Wonderful Weather

I love being out in the sunshine. Plants need the sun to survive and so do I.

I decided to re-pot a plant today and started thinking about how we often need a change at our foundation. When our roots can’t breathe, we suffer.

I often feel like a plant that needs to be re-potted. The pain of CRPS is smothering. It stops me in my tracks, holds me back, makes me want to scream. And the hard part is that I want to do so much. I want to drive again. I want to hike in the mountains. I want to walk on the beach.

At the same time, I’m doing so well. I’m writing more. I’ve written and published another book—six now. Learning to play my violin. Spending time with God. Enjoying my family. I feel like I’m really serving God by walking in my purpose.

And, I feel hypocritical. I know my life is amazing in so many ways and I love and appreciate it, yet I hate the CRPS part. I feel guilty about that. Shame even. And it’s not even my fault. I didn’t give myself CRPS, yet I blame myself. If I only lived more positively, or never sprained my ankle…. It’s crazy.

I know I need to press into God when I feel this way. Give me a few, I’m going to grab my Bible….

Colossians 3:5–11

That says it all, “…live as one who has died from diseases… you’ve acquired new creation life which is continually being renewed…”

I’ll keep my eyes on Jesus and continue the good work I’m doing—living despite the pain.

Staying sunny,

Jana

Undignified

MeetingMap

Healing Service in San Ysidro, California

I rarely fall under the power of Holy Spirit… It can be undignified. But last night I not only went down, but I also encountered Jesus (started crying) and didn’t remember much of what happened. Apparently, I was being videotaped, got tapped in the head and stomach with the microphone, and I kind of remembered being cheered on for miraculous healing.

I’ll take it… undignified and all. I wanted to be healed so badly. So, am I healed? I believe so. I feel different, lighter and more joyous. So much so that when I got my SSDI determination today and was denied, I was okay. My head is spinning a bit but not horribly. I should be sad, angry or something, but I feel relieved. It’s over for now. My next step is to think and pray about my next step and I’m confident I can do that and get some wisdom and strategy.

By the way, my feet feel amazing. I feel like I can walk, so I’ll try. I feel like my head is clear, so I’ll write. I feel like a new person, so I’ll dream again. And I’ll praise God.

The 5-hour roundtrip drive to see Mark Hemans was worth it.

Still wiping the snot from my nose,

Jana

P.S.: The meeting was at the border of Mexico and these lyrics ran through my head on the drive home (Holy Spirit’s got jokes.):

“It is the night

My body’s weak

I’m on the run

No time to sleep

I’ve got to ride

Ride like the wind

To be free again

 

And I’ve got such a long way to go (such a long way to go)

To make it to the border of Mexico

So I’ll ride like the wind

Ride like the wind…”

 

By Christopher Cross