Not Myself Anymore
CRPS has stolen my identity. I never imagined that CRPS, POTS, PNES, DID, et al. could change me so much—and not in a good way. I have become paralyzed in the pain. I hardly leave the house because I’m afraid I’ll have a seizure and/or fall down. I’m afraid of the pain that comes after walking the entire grocery store. I’m afraid to go walking around my neighborhood or going to the ranch to see my horse. I’ve become a shell of the person I used to be, and my children want their Mom back. I want me back.
I used to command the fear in my life. I pushed through and tenaciously succeeded at everything I tried. Today, the fear commands me and I have no drive. I am not myself.
So, what’s next? I’ve been told by two people I trust in the past week that I need to stop worrying about it all and just live.
I’m going to pray:
Father God in Heaven, You are my Rock and my Light. You work with me through life and You carry me when I’m weak. I feel I’ve lost my self, Lord. It’s hard to believe that I’m in this place of fear and paralysis. Forgive me, Lord for allowing myself to get to this place of dying, not living.
Take my hand, Lord God and guide along this narrow, righteous path before me. Sing me songs of love that I may care and love myself through this crazy time. Papa, I want me back. Obviously, I will never be the same, but I know I will be stronger physically, emotionally and mentally. And I know from experience You will finish the job You started with me. I know I’m just in process of something wonderful. A birthing of a new me, a new creation, filled with Your Holy Spirit and love.
Thank You, Jesus for walking me through this process. Thank You, for teaching me to just live. Amen.
I know I can do this,
P.S: I feel like I’m at my rock bottom. It’s been years since I’ve ventured back here, and the only place to go is up. Whew!
CRPS has stolen my identity. I never imagined that CRPS, POTS, PNES, DID, et al. could change me so much—and not in a good way.