Tag / PNES

by Jana Rawling

Weathered & Rough

Weathered Plywood

I shot this at my house and it really connected.

It’s How I Feel

I’m really having a tough time looking at Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) as another possible diagnosis. I feel raw and I’m not sure about how I will start to heal and move forward. I do know that this Blog and Podcast project has helped tremendously.

I know that I’m not alone, even though I haven’t come across anyone yet with PNES. I’m just starting research regarding causes, symptoms, treatments, prognosis, etc. And, I can only do so much research before I get pretty darn sad. It’s the same way for me with CRPS. It can get depressing to read about.

I want to be optimistic, but I’m thinking that’s been part of my problem. I have been accused of being too positive before—I guess that’s a thing.

Being too optimistic means I have stuffed down the problem. The problem? Trauma. Multiple traumas, including repeating molestation and incest as a child, causing dissociation and dysthymia. Yep, I’m a highly functioning person living with comorbidity. Now, everyone knows, and I am glad. I’m tired of hiding it. (I hope that doesn’t keep you away from me… I suppose that’s the real fear; being alone.)

I’m also certain that the repeated traumas in my life have something to do with my being highly sensitive and intuitive. I used to get hurt very easily socially and psychologically. I probably still do but know how to shut it down quickly all under the guise of emotional intelligence.

I can’t tell you how many times as a child I heard, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The reason I bring up being highly sensitive is that other people have experienced similar emotional pain and trauma, and they’ve survived. I feel very deeply, which has made me susceptible to additional pain. Go figure that CRPS is the most extreme kind of pain one can experience.

Perhaps, I’m punishing myself undeservedly. I can see that. I feel illogical that it was somehow my fault. I don’t remember ever being told that, but it’s possible. I’ll have to ask God to show me what happened in more detail so that I can process the information and begin to heal.

Sincerely weathered,

Jana

P.S.: Stay strong.

by Jana Rawling

Extremely Raw with Podcast

20190604_220925

Hope, 2015 by Yours Truly

Hiding in Plain Sight

I said I was going to be raw for this Blog. So, here it is….

I saw my neurologist yesterday and his news was honest and disconcerting. I must have more tests to see if my seizure episodes are epileptic or not. The “or not” is that I may have yet another condition called Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES).

And there it is. I thought this might be the case. What does it mean? It means my seizures are real, but they originate from a combination of psychological conditions. Some known causes include anxiety, dissociation disorders, post-traumatic stress, etc.—basically, forms of severe and chronic mental stress.

Ironically, I’m can wrap my head around this one.

You see, I’ve had a secret and here it is… I have been blaming my current illnesses on my body, or at times on God when the reality is that I know I haven’t dealt with a lot of trauma in my life. I have pretended that everything is okay and that I’m past all the emotional pain. I have pushed on in a highly functional way at the cost of my physical health. I have known that psychological brokenness internalized continues to manifest as dis-ease in my body.

There it is. My secret.

I seem to have it all together, but I don’t—seriously.

CRPS may even be another symptom of internalizing trauma. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that today begins a sober journey of psychological healing I wanted to avoid.

Incognito no more,

Jana

P.S.: I think I’ll start with one hour at a time, rather than one day.

Extremely Raw, Episode 10