Hiding in Plain Sight
I said I was going to be raw for this Blog. So, here it is….
I saw my neurologist yesterday and his news was honest and disconcerting. I must have more tests to see if my seizure episodes are epileptic or not. The “or not” is that I may have yet another condition called Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES).
And there it is. I thought this might be the case. What does it mean? It means my seizures are real, but they originate from a combination of psychological conditions. Some known causes include anxiety, dissociation disorders, post-traumatic stress, etc.—basically, forms of severe and chronic mental stress.
Ironically, I’m can wrap my head around this one.
You see, I’ve had a secret and here it is… I have been blaming my current illnesses on my body, or at times on God when the reality is that I know I haven’t dealt with a lot of trauma in my life. I have pretended that everything is okay and that I’m past all the emotional pain. I have pushed on in a highly functional way at the cost of my physical health. I have known that psychological brokenness internalized continues to manifest as dis-ease in my body.
There it is. My secret.
I seem to have it all together, but I don’t—seriously.
CRPS may even be another symptom of internalizing trauma. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that today begins a sober journey of psychological healing I wanted to avoid.
Incognito no more,
P.S.: I think I’ll start with one hour at a time, rather than one day.